It's ok to NOT forgive...

Artwork, "Pyrotechnics" and Photography:
Kara Marionette

From what I can find online most articles and/or the people writing them agree that forgiving someone who has abused you is either necessary or, at the very least, it will help you to feel better in the long run. Fuck That! Now it’s possible that where I personally am in this process is clouding my judgment but I ask you; why? Why should I have to allow them to feel in any way like what they have done to me is Okay?, Water under the bridge? Something that we can just sweep under the rug all over again and go back to being a normal happy family…

To me that’s what forgiveness would imply; that we’re going to put it all behind us and move forward from here and try to have a relationship all over again and the outside world will see us and, other than those who already know and stood by and did nothing for years or are ok with us having a relationship going forward or whatever, other than those people; the general population won’t know what a disgusting excuse for a sample of humanity my abusers were. 

Currently, my Grampa wants me to forgive my father. He revealed to me that he knows all of the stuff that happened when we were little and he knows I haven’t talked to my father in years and he wants us to reconcile. In his defense, he is going to die soon of prostate cancer and I’m trying to not deal with that but he also knew about what happened back in the day and he said and did nothing.

My therapist says that we don’t know what he thinks happened and he might now know the extent of what did happen but either way, this is a person who I love and have trusted my whole life who has repeatedly looked the other way when I was being abused.  How do I forgive that, let alone what he wants me to “get fixed” (repair my relationship with my abuser)? 

I read multiple articles which I won't bother citing or quoting here that all talked about the stops you need to go through in order to forgive your abuser. One article, actually, worth mentioning was in Psychology today. In the Psychology Today article from five years ago, David Allen MD wrote an article on this topic and, aside from it being one of the only articles to say from a psychologist point of view that it’s not always healthy to forgive, he actually gives very specific rationales as to why someone wouldn’t want to do so. If you are still being abused, being invalidated or even blamed Dr. Allen asks “How could you forgive them?”

The real question is, why should I? Refusing to forgive the monsters in my life gives me power. It gives me a sense of control of making sure that I don’t allow myself to give you any piece of my heart or soul that you could hurt again. It gives me a sense of duty, to stand apart from what you did and tell the world what you did was wrong. It keeps me angry, which keeps us moving forward and trying to make ourself better when we’re so afraid of everyone around us who may or may not hurt us.

Maybe someday in the future, I will be able to forgive my abuser but right now, I don’t fucking want to and we’re totally ok with that. 

This is the Link to the Psychology Today Article I cited:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201203/does-one-need-forgive-abusive-parents-heal