Why the Adventure is taking place!
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! During that month I was involved in a plethora of things from awareness tables to working on Project Unbreakable to taking part in roundtable discussion events etc... We also started a student club dedicated to the awareness and elimination of sexual assault on campus called Rise on top of my normal duties at the Bay Area Women's Center and the Sexual Assault Center all focusing on the same topic of sexual violence prevention and education. During all of the events, I was contacted by a local news channel who had heard of all we were trying to do. I was contacted because the anchor knew of my different roles in the community and I had talked with her before regarding some other issues a few months prior. At that time I was able to get someone else to do the interview and i didn't have to. This time around she was very insistent. Especially when I told her about the new student organization Rise. "I'm not the leader or president of Rise" I told her. I then told her who our president was and who our faculty advisor was and told her that I could speak with them about talking to her. She said ok but kept pressuring me to do the interview. Unfortunately, I do tend to cave after being pressured for so long... which is probably something I should not be admitting but it's true. Still, I kept pushing her to talk with our faculty advisor, who I was also trying desperately to get to do the interview. When our faculty advisor did finally agree (at like 530 in the morning) I told the news reporter and she did not respond. The next text I got from the anchor was one confirming our apt to do an interview. (It would be later that I would discover that she did an interview with BOTH of us... sneaky sneaky)
During the Interview, she asked me why i do the work that I do. My response was simply; "I have a story, I have several personal stories that have led me to do what I do but I do not want that to be put on television." She didn't put that statement on TV but what she did do was, she outed me as a sexual assault survivor by introducing me as one in her opening statement... When I saw the broadcast, I panicked. This isn't something I wanted out in the general public. I'm not even putting it out there right now because Kara isn't my legal name but there it was for anyone who wanted to watch the news or google it for all to see and hear. The thoughts about how this would affect my professional life, how it would affect me ever finding a partner who wouldn't see me as completely broken, how people, in general, would look at me, all raced through my mind at a million miles per second.
We didn't sleep that night after seeing it online and I eventually text the anchor the next morning telling her "I wanted to thank you for coming out to help us by spreading the word about our group and all of the things we are doing on campus to bring awareness of sexual assault but one thing you should NEVER do is out a survivor." From there we text back and forth for about a half hour and eventually, she took the video down from the internet but it had already aired three times and countless people had viewed it online.
Still, I did what I do best. I played like everything was under control and ok and I went into school and attempted to be a good student. We continued to do awareness tables and it was at this time that we actually started taking the photos for Project Unbreakable. The thing is, I didn't do things the right way with this project... I fully intended to print out some modeling contracts but never did, instead, I simply got verbal consent to do the photos. Mainly because every time I thought about it I was in a place where there wasn't a printer and I just didn't think to do it when the resources were available. Basically, I dropped the ball and continued to run with the project anyway.
When our faculty advisor talked to me about it, I felt like I was a kid and I was in trouble. Needless to say, the project ended. I emailed the photos to the students we had emails for so that they could submit the photos themselves rather than sending them as a student organization project.
Personally, we felt like a failure and began to question everything we had done for the past few months. This was compounded by an instructor who continually was triggering our PTSD symptoms and had been instructed by disability services ways to not do this but chose to ignore them and the fact that April is also finals month so it was crunch time.
Finals week came and I Aced my first three exams with no problem, then came the teacher who had been triggering me. I had already talked with Disability Services, the counseling office and his boss about his behavior and I was under the impression the I wouldn't even have to go to his classroom to see him again.. I could take the test in the testing center and be done with the class. I was wrong, in order to turn in the extra credit and the writing assignment, he made it mandatory that I come to the classroom even after taking the test in the testing center. We were already in fight or flight mode and fighting the urge to run away when we decided to go home for lunch.
When I arrived at my home for lunch I found two police cars in the driveway. My roommate had committed suicide in the basement. They wouldn't let us in the house right away but when they did and I went down there there was blood everywhere, a gigantic hole in the wall where the bullet had gone into the wall and you could smell the mix of marijuana, gunpowder, and blood heavy in the air. It's not a sight I will ever forget.
Needless to say, I didn't take the final exam, I postponed the other one for two weeks and I began to be triggered like I hadn't been in years. I soon found myself unable to tell reality from flashback and hallucination or was it a flashback too... I still don't know...
eventually, I admitted myself to the psychiatric hospital. I found it ironic that suicide had brought everyone there into the hospital but I was the only one who didn't want to kill herself. All I wanted was some place to feel safe and re-center but they make you go to groups and won't allow you to be an introvert so it ended up being exhausting in a and of itself but I was able to leave.
At that time I thought I could go home and take over the lease and maybe find a way to make some good out of this horrific situation but that was more than I could handle and I ended up failing the second exam too... My grades for the semester were A, A, A, F, F.... well shit!!! So much for financial aid!
I have been living on couches and in the Punk Barbie Mobile ever since. So, because it's what I try to do, we decided to try to find a way to get something good out of it... I signed up for a training from http://concent.rocks and then I paid for two rope bondage events and began planning a trip across the US that included many other things along those lines.
Unfortunately, my last post will tell you that we had some "Technical Difficulties" while staying out east. The car and the laptop and the phone all three messed up so I ended up cutting things short and losing money on non-refundable tickets and trainings. I came back to Saginaw and worked a little with Perceptions and the Sexual Assault Center but didn't do anything with CTL or BAWC just because I had so much already I was working on.
Currently: I am on my way to Florida and am waiting out a rainstorm in the car in Kentucky. I'm on my way to FIRE (Floridas Intense Rope Experience) It will be my first con of it's type and I'm stopping off to see my grandpa who may not be with us much longer, on my way there. (Huge Detour to Mississippi that I decided on about an hour ago) No one knows exactly where I am or where I will be staying or going other than these few destinations.
Monday I have to start an online class for Mott, because Delta isn't the only fish in the sea that can finish up this AAS degree and my loyalties are to ME and my education, not any specific college. The online class will allow me to take other online classes with them and since I'm not coming back to the Tri-Cities until October I'm going to need to do my work remotely.
The night I left I got lost while in Michigan and found myself near a location where allot of very disgusting things happened to us. In reality, I don't 100% remember getting there... Just sitting on the short of lake near the house I grew up in, under a willow tree and crying and praying.
Admittedly, this is all scary as hell and we aren't sleeping much some days and not at all at night. I'm hoping to get something out of this experience that's worth all of the trouble I've put into it. Mainly, I feel like we need this to heal in some way.. I can't really explain it more than that. I'm telling people I'll be back in October but I really don't know for sure.
During the Interview, she asked me why i do the work that I do. My response was simply; "I have a story, I have several personal stories that have led me to do what I do but I do not want that to be put on television." She didn't put that statement on TV but what she did do was, she outed me as a sexual assault survivor by introducing me as one in her opening statement... When I saw the broadcast, I panicked. This isn't something I wanted out in the general public. I'm not even putting it out there right now because Kara isn't my legal name but there it was for anyone who wanted to watch the news or google it for all to see and hear. The thoughts about how this would affect my professional life, how it would affect me ever finding a partner who wouldn't see me as completely broken, how people, in general, would look at me, all raced through my mind at a million miles per second.
We didn't sleep that night after seeing it online and I eventually text the anchor the next morning telling her "I wanted to thank you for coming out to help us by spreading the word about our group and all of the things we are doing on campus to bring awareness of sexual assault but one thing you should NEVER do is out a survivor." From there we text back and forth for about a half hour and eventually, she took the video down from the internet but it had already aired three times and countless people had viewed it online.
Still, I did what I do best. I played like everything was under control and ok and I went into school and attempted to be a good student. We continued to do awareness tables and it was at this time that we actually started taking the photos for Project Unbreakable. The thing is, I didn't do things the right way with this project... I fully intended to print out some modeling contracts but never did, instead, I simply got verbal consent to do the photos. Mainly because every time I thought about it I was in a place where there wasn't a printer and I just didn't think to do it when the resources were available. Basically, I dropped the ball and continued to run with the project anyway.
When our faculty advisor talked to me about it, I felt like I was a kid and I was in trouble. Needless to say, the project ended. I emailed the photos to the students we had emails for so that they could submit the photos themselves rather than sending them as a student organization project.
Personally, we felt like a failure and began to question everything we had done for the past few months. This was compounded by an instructor who continually was triggering our PTSD symptoms and had been instructed by disability services ways to not do this but chose to ignore them and the fact that April is also finals month so it was crunch time.
Finals week came and I Aced my first three exams with no problem, then came the teacher who had been triggering me. I had already talked with Disability Services, the counseling office and his boss about his behavior and I was under the impression the I wouldn't even have to go to his classroom to see him again.. I could take the test in the testing center and be done with the class. I was wrong, in order to turn in the extra credit and the writing assignment, he made it mandatory that I come to the classroom even after taking the test in the testing center. We were already in fight or flight mode and fighting the urge to run away when we decided to go home for lunch.
When I arrived at my home for lunch I found two police cars in the driveway. My roommate had committed suicide in the basement. They wouldn't let us in the house right away but when they did and I went down there there was blood everywhere, a gigantic hole in the wall where the bullet had gone into the wall and you could smell the mix of marijuana, gunpowder, and blood heavy in the air. It's not a sight I will ever forget.
Needless to say, I didn't take the final exam, I postponed the other one for two weeks and I began to be triggered like I hadn't been in years. I soon found myself unable to tell reality from flashback and hallucination or was it a flashback too... I still don't know...
eventually, I admitted myself to the psychiatric hospital. I found it ironic that suicide had brought everyone there into the hospital but I was the only one who didn't want to kill herself. All I wanted was some place to feel safe and re-center but they make you go to groups and won't allow you to be an introvert so it ended up being exhausting in a and of itself but I was able to leave.
At that time I thought I could go home and take over the lease and maybe find a way to make some good out of this horrific situation but that was more than I could handle and I ended up failing the second exam too... My grades for the semester were A, A, A, F, F.... well shit!!! So much for financial aid!
I have been living on couches and in the Punk Barbie Mobile ever since. So, because it's what I try to do, we decided to try to find a way to get something good out of it... I signed up for a training from http://concent.rocks and then I paid for two rope bondage events and began planning a trip across the US that included many other things along those lines.
Unfortunately, my last post will tell you that we had some "Technical Difficulties" while staying out east. The car and the laptop and the phone all three messed up so I ended up cutting things short and losing money on non-refundable tickets and trainings. I came back to Saginaw and worked a little with Perceptions and the Sexual Assault Center but didn't do anything with CTL or BAWC just because I had so much already I was working on.
Currently: I am on my way to Florida and am waiting out a rainstorm in the car in Kentucky. I'm on my way to FIRE (Floridas Intense Rope Experience) It will be my first con of it's type and I'm stopping off to see my grandpa who may not be with us much longer, on my way there. (Huge Detour to Mississippi that I decided on about an hour ago) No one knows exactly where I am or where I will be staying or going other than these few destinations.
Monday I have to start an online class for Mott, because Delta isn't the only fish in the sea that can finish up this AAS degree and my loyalties are to ME and my education, not any specific college. The online class will allow me to take other online classes with them and since I'm not coming back to the Tri-Cities until October I'm going to need to do my work remotely.
Admittedly, this is all scary as hell and we aren't sleeping much some days and not at all at night. I'm hoping to get something out of this experience that's worth all of the trouble I've put into it. Mainly, I feel like we need this to heal in some way.. I can't really explain it more than that. I'm telling people I'll be back in October but I really don't know for sure.
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